The H Word

October 2010

As time marches on, and I drift closer my use-by date, I think about when I will call it a day. What day will it be when I will say, “That’s it, the time has come to move on”? I have moved that date a couple of times already, and have thought that it would be so much easier if the decision was taken out of my hands.

Be careful what you wish for.

I headed into the city to see my friendly surgeon – driving 40mins, taking a half hour train trip, then walking further than I needed to, only to find myself sitting in the waiting room for over an hour. It’s good to be able to take the time to relax and catch up on 12 month old magazines. I stumbled upon a story about being a mother in today’s world. Some of those interviewed were high profile women and some were everyday, you-and-me type women. One that grabbed my attention was Deborah Hutton. She is, according to her own website, one of Australia’s most acknowledged and respected media personalities. Apparently, Australians look to Deborah Hutton as a barometer of good taste, style and professional achievement. So, of course, I read on. She married late…even later than I, and had a baby at 47. My heart leaped. This article gave me hope. It put a smile on my face and a spring in my step as I sauntered into the surgeon’s office.

I explained to him about the pain I had experienced in the last month and showed him the scans that had discovered 5 sneaky fibroids. “Well, that is very disappointing”, he sighed. I felt like a naughty schoolgirl being reprimanded for not doing an assignment.

He then started writing down my options on his pad.
1. Laproscopic Myomectomy – the same surgery I had last year. Just go in through the belly button and whip the biggest fibroid out. 6 weeks recovery, then try getting pregnant again.
2. Myomectomy – no lap dance this time. Open up the uterus and send in the troops to hunt and kill every fibroid it can find. Give the place a good vacuum and a lick of paint while you’re there. 3 months recovery, then see if you still care about ever having sex again in order to fall pregnant.
3. Hysterectomy.

Hyster-what? Feeling a little hyster-ical. Did I just hear you right?

I wasn’t expecting that. I was still high from the Deborah-Hutton-Did-It-You-Can-Too pep talk I gave myself in the waiting room. I was expecting words of reassurance. This is no big deal. There’s still plenty of time. Not the H word!

A hysterectomy is very final. Try getting pregnant after that one, and you’ll be right up there in the miracle stakes with Saint Mary MacKillop.

I burst into tears. Dr Friendly-Mustache went quiet and uncomfortable for a few moments and started doodling on his note pad while he waited for me to make the next move. My head swam with the overwhelming thought of having a hysterectomy at 42-ish. This is it. This is the decision being taken out of my hands. “I’m not ready to go there” was all I could muster in reply.  He suggested we (meaning I) don’t rush the decision until he has another look to see exactly where the fibroids are located. I booked in for another scan at which he will be present.

He also suggested the same trial drug Dr Baby-Maker suggested, which has had good results in stimulating ovaries into action. It takes 3 months to work. I could start that, have the 2nd option surgery, then perhaps have another IVF cycle. Damn that carrot! I thought I had made that decision already. No more drugs. No more invasive procedures. I told him I’d give it some thought, but I really don’t think I could handle it. Mentally and physically, I am spent. I am drained. While the rest of my life is beautiful and relaxing and generally stress-free, I think I would crack if I went through that again and failed.

I pulled myself together and left the office, walked to the station, caught the train to my car and drove to my gig, put on some lipstick and a smile and dazzled a group of high schooler’s at music camp. As a musician, as with any job, you leave your personal dramas at the door, and do what you have to do. My husband, also on the gig, was bursting to hear what had happened, but I made him wait until I was safely home.

After talking it through, I rang my IVF buddy. She’s the one who explains all the big words I don’t understand because I didn’t listen properly or read any of the manuals. And then I made a big mistake. I rang my mother.

My mother means well. You’ve heard that before, right? I’m sure yours does too. A few weeks before I had the surgery to remove the fibroid last year, she had one too. Obviously I must have inherited looks, charm, big boobs, lack of tact, and fibroids from her. When they removed her fibroid, they took the lot. She had a hysterectomy. So when I explained what the latest news was, she became the expert on what was the best thing to do. “Oh just have it all out. It’s no big deal”. My mother is almost 80. She had 5, mostly ungrateful, children, of which I am one. I am one of the nice ones, so should be treated with care and affection, as I could turn at any moment. I often have conversations with my dear mother that, once in the middle of them, I regret bitterly. This was one of those conversations. I tried to explain that there’s a big difference between having a hysterectomy at 80 with 5 children under your belt, compared to 42 and batting zero. “Perhaps it’s time to give up all that stuff.” Yes, “that stuff” is trying to have a baby. She just doesn’t get it, and I should stop expecting her too. It only ends in frustration and a call for legalised euthanasia. Instead of getting angry or upset, I just changed the subject.

What I did realise out of that conversation, is that it’s not so much that I’m not ready to have a hysterectomy, but that I haven’t dealt with the probable reality that I have missed my baby-making time.

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The Gods Are Conspiring

September, 2010

I don’t really want a baby. Why would I? I get the best of both worlds at the moment. I play house with 3 step-children 3 days a week, and I have a quiet, peaceful existence for the rest of the week. Why would I mess with that ideal?

There’s a little something called maternal instinct that I underestimated the power of. I can’t help but coo over stranger’s new babies in the supermarket. I find myself staring into shop windows with cots and change tables on display. I had a de facto relationship for 5 years that ended almost 10 years ago. The main reason we broke up was that he wouldn’t make any kind of future commitment. I didn’t want to be making life-changing decisions on behalf of us both, and hope that he went along with it. So we went our separate ways. He recently became a father. As I offered my congratulations, I wrenched out the knife that was twisted deep into my stomach. It was tough news to hear.

So you got me. I lied. I do want a baby. The lies are what I tell myself to make the disappointment easier to contend with. And the weight of the disappointment gets heavier with each passing month.

This month I feel like the coyote that has had an anvil dropped on his head by the crafty roadrunner.

The month started badly with me re-catching the cold I have been fighting for 4 long months. We had just come back from working in Far North Queensland, and I was finally feeling like I had beaten the dreaded lurgy! A few days in the warmer climate had done me some good and my nose could start recovering from too many tissues. 2 days after mentioning my victory to my husband, I went down again like a sack of spuds. Adding to my misery was the realisation that the Sperm Donor had to go away for work. Without me. While I was sick. Who was going to mop my brow? Who was going to make me a cup of tea? Who was going to make me pregnant????? His trip went from Day 8 to 13. That doesn’t leave much room for the day of magic to occur. I had to be well enough by day 13.

By day 13 I had the worst PMS you could possibly imagine. I get it every month, only this time the 2 days of nit-picking and snarling stretched to 2 weeks. I was incredibly tired, and every important part of my body hurt. My skin tingled all over – and not in a good way. I didn’t want sex! I didn’t even want him in the same room as me! To add to my misery, an unexpected, but familiar, pain started in the area of my left ovary. I had been down this road before.

Instead of rushing to the doctor to investigate, my brain went into the usual fantasyland mode it had clicked into before.
“It’s not  another fibroid. It’s a sign I could be pregnant!”
Sure, I only let the sperm donor near me twice this month and it was nowhere near when I ovulated, but miracles do happen!

So I waited. And when my period arrived, bang on time, I realised that it probably is another fibroid. My period was much lighter than usual and only lasted 2 days. Instead of rejoicing, alarm bells started ringing. We were away from home for 5 days working in a country town. My mind was going haywire with the possibilities of what could be happening. A fibroid was one possibility, but there are so many options, ranging from ectopic pregnancy to the on-set of menopause. As the weekend progressed so did the pain. By the time we finished our job on day 4, I was ready to get some answers. I was not in agony, but I was very uncomfortable and bloated. Even my fat pants were feeling the strain. I rang my IVF buddy for reassurance and she agreed I should head off to the local hospital.

Country towns are really up against it when it comes to health care. One of the students at the workshop we were conducting was a GP and told me that in her town, there is a 3 week wait for ultrasound. I wasn’t hopeful that I was going to get one then and there. After giving my details and symptoms to the triage nurse I was taken through to the emergency ward where 3 different nurses came to ask the same questions of me. Several vials of blood were taken and I gave a urine sample. The doctor on duty came and had a bit of a prod and said that we would now wait for the test results to come back. An hour or so later he returned to say the results were all negative except that I am anaemic. No infection, no pregnancy, ectopic or otherwise. I asked for a scan but he said the sonographer was not prepared to stick around while I drank water and filled up my bladder. Really? That’s the reason? The nurses all rolled their eyes and told me to follow-up with my GP as soon as I got home. I was reassured that my ovary wasn’t going to explode during the flight home, given some happy pills and sent away.

My GP decided to re-do all the blood tests and send me for a scan immediately. Since the surgery to remove a 6-7cm fibroid 14 months ago, I now have 5 of decent size with one topping the measurements at 5cm. I can’t grow a baby but these little suckers are a breeze to cultivate! I have no reason to think I am not heading towards more surgery. Not happy, Jan!

Beware: Crazy Woman Looking for Chocolate

September 2010

They were both wrong.

It’s now September which I don’t consider to be the middle of the year, and as my husband has conveniently gone interstate during this ovulation time, it will be October/November before we have another crack.

Since having the first miscarriage in 2009, my periods have gone from normal, manageable, to very heavy and highly unreasonable. (Too much information?) PMS has gone from a couple of days of allowable snapping at my husband, to being filled with absolute dread at what the next few days will hold.

I totally understand why Dr Baby-Maker suggests going on contraception too. This is my monthly mind-set, and I assume it’s similar to anyone trying to conceive.
Day 1-5 – get through your period without killing anyone.
Day 5-15 – think about how you’re going to find the time/energy to have sex as many times as possible whether you want to or not (ah…romance) and curse your husband for taking a tour out of town right when you might possibly be ovulating.
Day 16-21 – wonder whether you got it right. Were you both too tired? Was it worth making your husband drive back from Bathurst for 1 night in the pouring rain on icy roads worth it?
Day 22 – What was that twinge? Was that a sign? Is my period coming? Do I have wind? Meanwhile husband is making advances for more sex. Is he crazy? I’m not even ovulating!
Day 23 – Is it too early to do a test? If it’s negative I can just get on with things and put it out of my mind.
Day 24 – I’m not doing a test. It’s too risky. I might get a false positive and be disappointed again. Just wait a few more days.
Day 25 – My wrist is hurting. Carpel tunnel? It’s back. Surely that’s a good sign.
Day 26-27 – Do the test? Don’t do the test?
Day 28 – Hmmm…no period.
Day 29 – still no period.
Day 30 – spotting. That’s not necessarily a bad sign. Could be implanting blood. That happened before.
Day 31 – Period. Where’s the chocolate?

As if to mock me, not only have my periods become extremely heavy, but now they are regularly late. Just to annoy me.

Psychic, Psychosis, Psychotic, Psychotherapist…

April 2010

I got through New Year’s Eve. That was my due date. Thankfully, I was busy singing with my husband at a big event on the harbour. As we watched the fireworks explode over the Harbour Bridge, the passing of the date did not go unnoticed. How lucky I was to be with the one I love that night.

My appointment with Dr Baby-Maker was as I expected. My husband was working so I went alone. I was relieved to be going alone. She agreed with me that it was time to draw a line in the sand. Give it til the end of the year, then switch off. The best way to do that is to go back to using contraceptives so that your brain stops thinking there’s a chance. She didn’t recommend another round of IVF as I hadn’t had good results, although we hadn’t tried since surgery. She wasn’t keen and neither was I. She suggested I look into 2 other drugs that would be worth a try. One can do more harm than good, and the other sounded like it would turn me into a freak ready for the circus. No. I was done with pumping chemicals in my body. It was up to fate now.

I had a good cry in her office and she suggested I have some counselling.

My next appointment for the day was with my chiropractor/kinesiologist. I had been having lots of trouble with my back, an old on-going injury. As he was treating me, he touched the side of my thigh. I flinched. It was tender. He asked whether I was having any period problems. That’s not something that normally comes up at a back appointment. I gave him a brief rundown of my “period problems” over the previous year.
“That makes sense. That tender spot is nothing to do with your back. It’s related to the reproductive system and can indicate a problem”. He suggested having a hair follicle test to determine what I was lacking. By this time, I was open to miracle cures, so I did the test. The results showed I had a high level of copper in my system and copper blocks the absorption of minerals vital to falling pregnant. And there I was blaming myself for forgetting to take my pre-pregnancy vitamins. It was the crappy old house we were renting that was to blame! I started on a course of something powdery and tablet-y and pricey, and like anything else, I soon stopped taking it.

Around this time, we decided to move. This was prompted by the fact that we were broke and were putting our rent on our ever increasing credit cards every month. Not a good foundation for bringing in another mouth to feed. Most people would do the logical thing, (find something cheaper, smaller, move in with their parents/in-laws) but we decided to buy a houseboat. Yes, you did read that correctly. We bought a houseboat. To live on. Not full-time – that’s not allowed. We travel a lot with our work, so we could live part-time on the boat and part-time with my husband’s parents. (That’s a whole other blog if you’re interested – lilpeagreen.wordpress.com) Things got packed and misplaced and I got out of the habit of taking all the different pills and potions. Besides, if it didn’t happen overnight…

My next stop was to visit psychic #1. She lived nearby and was recommended by a couple who had just had IVF twins. She started the reading by discussing in very general terms about the past year being full of grief and loss. I was starting to think she was a kook, as I hadn’t lost anyone close in the past year, when she said “but a baby is on the way soon”. Perhaps my last year was full of grief and loss.I hadn’t thought of it like that before. She didn’t pick up that we were living on a houseboat (I thought that might stand out as something unusual in someone’s life) but she said I would conceive in a very peaceful place surrounded by water. I would know I was pregnant by the middle of this year. She said a few other things that hit the mark, but I refused to get carried away by what I heard.

I have been going to psychics for a very long time. I don’t live by their readings. I listen to what they say and store it away or ignore it completely. For me, it’s more about being entertained for an hour by someone clever. Sometimes I have friends or relatives who have passed who make themselves known in no uncertain terms, and sometimes the reading is based on things they pick up from me. In other words, I don’t get sucked into it. A few years ago, I was an avid watcher of “Crossing Over with John Edward”. I booked into see him live just for the fun of it. I had to work that evening and I wasn’t sure about what time the show finished. As I fell asleep, I had a little dream about having to leave before it ended, and as I walked down the stairs, John Edward called out “Wait! Someone stop that girl walking down the stairs. I have a message for her.” I chuckled, and fell asleep. At the show, I was sitting on my own right up the very back of the Entertainment Centre. After doing a few readings to people in the audience, I noticed he was going to people who had suffered tragic losses in their lives. Tales of murder, plane crashes, long battles with illness. I found it all quite compelling. After a while, he took a break from reading, and opened up the floor for questions. I took this opportunity to duck out to the loo. As I started walking down the stairs, John Edward stopped abruptly in the middle of answering a question and said “Wait! Someone stop that girl walking down the stairs. I have a message for her.” I kid you not! I was so dumbstruck, I apologised and said “Sorry, I needed a pee!” He asked me if I had recently lost a father figure (I had lost my uncle), and then he asked if I was pregnant. I was single at the time – and quite slim, so I was deeply offended. No! He kept on. Are you sure? Yes I’m sure!!!! Who’s the “J” in the family. I’m the “J”. Well if it’s not you, there must be another “J”. After the show, my nephew rang. He was there. His partner is a “J”. No, she wasn’t pregnant…she didn’t KNOW she was pregnant yet. 3 weeks later, the pieces of the puzzle fell into place. But I digress. That story has absoutely nothing to do with what I’m talking about, but I thought you might enjoy it.

Now, back to me.

Psychic #2 is someone I regularly go to back in Adelaide where I lived before moving to Sydney. She is (usually) quite amazing. As I opened the door she looked at me strangely and smiled. During the reading, she asked if I was pregnant. I get this a lot as I have piled on the weight in the past year or so. I thought it was unusual for her to take a stab in the dark from appearances.
“When I opened the door I thought you were blooming. I’m sure you are pregnant and you just don’t know it yet. And they keep telling me it’s twins. And if you’re not pregnant right now, you soon will be”. As with psychic #1, she said I’d know by the middle of this year.

Time would tell.

The Meaning of Life

December 2009

The start of December saw the passing of my 2nd wedding anniversary and my 42nd birthday. I was supposed to plan something for our anniversary. It was my turn. How could I follow up a balloon flight in the Hunter Valley? If things had gone to plan, I would have been expecting the greatest gift of all, but it wasn’t to be. Dammit. Now I had to come up with the goods. I don’t remember what I did, or bought, for my husband. I think I was in slow motion. For some reason, turning 42 meant the end for me. Not the end of my life or anything as dramatic as that. I just had this block about having a baby after 42. It seems the risks get higher every minute. I was looking for a reason to stop trying, for someone (ie Dr Baby-Maker) to say “It’s time”. I wanted the decision to be taken out of my hands.

Christmas came and when my husband gave me electronic/tax deductable items, I had a meltdown.

On Christmas morning.

In front of the children.

Now, I’m not blaming my problems entirely. My husband has seen the error of his ways and over the past year I have traded the gadgets for things I actually want. Still, I had to do something.

I rang for an appointment to see my IVF doctor but had to wait almost 2 months. I thought was going to have a breakdown. I had to do something drastic.

So I went to a psychic.

Actually, I went to 2. You should always get 2nd opinions.